New Blog!!

My new blog is http://www.avilastory.blogspot.com/ :) Thanks! Love you all!!

the time has come...

I think the time has come..to start a new blog. While this blog has served its purpose well and been an amazing outlet for me, my life now is no longer about struggling or dealing with infertility/PCOS etc...because we are now expecting!

I have to give pause to my Jesus..and thank Him for his healing powers..there have been so many pivital moments throughout this journey that I feel truly impacted what miracle did occur.

Pastor Wayne Mancari annointed my head with oil, layed hands on me and prayed over me and my husband in a Sunday service. Nothing distracting. Just a hearfelt, personal prayer that echoes still...it was the only time I was annointed while being prayed over..and while I dont sit here to point out that it didnt happen more than once, I believe that maybe it only needed to happen once. His prayer was fervent, meaningful and true and I thank him for his kindness and willingness to step out in the gap for my husband and I.

When we announced our troubles trying to conceive to our youth group...we did it as a precourser to our blessing. We knew God would come through for us with a pregnancy, we knew this. And we wanted our kids, our youth group to know that prayer works. Even after that service itself several 6th, 7th and 8th graders came up to me and layed hands on me and prayed over me. The faith of these children has moved mountains in our lives...I believe their faith paved the way for this blessing...and we were so greatful to announce this past Sunday that their prayers DID work. We are pregnant. God does hear them. To see that awe and excitement in their eyes..not just for us, but because of what GOD can do...was...just amazing. We love our Mixers :)

Our faithful and loving friends and family who not only lifted us up in prayer but offered tangible support through their faith...we are so greatful. I never felt like I should keep our struggle to conceive a secret..I knew one day, whenever that day would be..that God would come through...and in that, in our blessing...others might also be blessed or encouraged..that's what counts. And in the sharing of the news with family and friends the encouragement was so refreshing..it really helped me on the days I was down....I love you all..from the deepest part of our hearts we are greatful for each of you.

One Sunday a guest speaker Sammy Rodriguez came and spoke a message that penetrated my mind so deep..I had to respond. I say my mind, because in that time..my heart was so weak...I needed it to hit me where I could wrap my brain around what he was saying..I needed to understand it all. I previously blogged about that Sunday and the Word he gave so I wont go in to the details now but...I have never heard the story of the raven and the dove in that way...and it had been so long since I had been on my face, weeping at the alter before God. The Lord did something in me that day..that was huge for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I'm greatful. Greatful for it all, the good and the bad...God grew Chris and I in ways I had prayed for. He has blessed us with our deepest desire and I feel whole..I feel (honestly) sick to my stomach from the pregnancy but I rejoice even in my feeling physically sick :) Because there is life here...not just in the physical but the spiritual. Even in our struggles...in my personal struggles...I had joy & confidence and that cannot come from man or a doctor...God is my source and I just wanna give him all, all ALL the GLORY...

I will leave this blog...I will remember this blog...I will miss it. But--there is a new journey to be written of and I can't wait to start...the two have become three...and we are excited as ever....I will post the link to my new pregnancy/baby/life blog once I have it....

The end of this blog is bittersweet...I leave with good memories of how God has strengthened me...and with gratitude that I have been healed..and gifted with this amazing blessing...and still I say. I am not broken..thank you Jesus..

With Love,
Kristina

.VICTORY.

Yes! The news is out! Chris and I are expecting!!!

I wrote this, took a picture of it and set it as my wall paper on my phone to give myself some encouragement:

Hours later...little did I know...I would get these:

I wanted to take test alone...and then surprise Chris in a cute way on camera..record it and everything..I ended up asking him May 17th 2011 at around 9pm to bring me a pregnancy test..he did..I took it while he was in the shower and that second line showed up immediately!! It kept getting darker..and darker..and darker...and thats all I kept saying, "It's dark...it's really dark...." "I've never SEEN that before?!!!"

It was insane...after months and months and months of not ovulating..no chance at all of getting pregnant..we were waiting just one more month to see a specialist at a fertility clinic..and it happened in that month. No medical help. Nothing. I did get blood work done to see if I had ovulated...expecting yet another negative test and to my complete surprise the test came back positive for ovulation..not only that it was so high my doctor said, "I wonder if you might even be pregnant..." What a thing to say...well..she was right! Because at 11dpo I got my positive test!!

Still so in shock...so greatful..so so so greatful it's overwhelming.

Allow me to introduce Baby Avila Due Jan 28th 2012!

It's just so amazingly unbelievable. To be faced with infertility issues...to just be waiting for another appointment with another doctor...for God to part heaven and say "it is time"....my heart is glad. Only God can do that. We had no medical help...this was ALL God...and He alone gets ALL the Glory....Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus. Thank you...we are already in love...

.hope.

Seeing that stark white pregnancy test can be tough. Knowing that the Lord is still and always has been completely in control is just....comforting to say the least. So many women who struggle with trying to conceive..especially with a lot of medical help can put all their faith and hope in the drugs, treatment, procedure, doctor or even their own body. And if all does not turn out as it should...that hope and faith is shattered into a million little pieces. He heart is broken. Her world is upside down. Her joy has swiftly gone.

In thinking of how easy that mode of thinking and living can be..I am so greatful I have the Lord to lean on. Because my body can fail, medicine and treatments can just not work "this time". Doctors can try their best but are limited to what the medicine can do and what my body decides it can do...I understand this. I understand that if all else fails, the Lord never will. He can't. He just can't. It is not in Him. It is not like Him.

Now that I know those desperate and longing feelings all too well...I pray daily over myself..and the millions of women and men out there struggling with infertility. It isn't easy when you feel you have been betrayed by God or your body or the universe or whatever...it isn't easy because that kind of thinking is so carnal. Instead pray that God give you the strength to not just endure but walk THROUGH what He has willed for your life. I in no way mean to offend anyone and to say that being childless and struggling for years to have a child is in any way is something God made happen to/for you. I am not the one to say any such thing. To perceive how God works is beyond me, that is not my place. But, for me and my husband...we chose to see this as a bad that God can bring so much good out of. No matter what we have to go through in the meantime. Maybe it can bring one, just one person to Christ. Maybe it can bring hope to another couple in the same situation. Maybe it's just going to bring our faith and ministry into a whole other level..

There are a lot of "maybe's" in there...but the one certain-for-sure-no-doubt-in-my-mind fact is that God will come through for us. He always has...He has set that promise in our hearts, that we will be a mami and papi one day :) I can let God handle the rest...He is afterall...Lord of all..

"And so Lord, where do I put hope? My only hope is in you."-Psalm 39:7

Good Progesterone Test!

Praise God! The progesterone test came back positive :) My levels were at 17 which is really good...my body did it all on its own! This would have been our last month before seeing a specialist at the fertility clinic...now, we can go a few more months on our own! I am expecting my monthly visitor...some time at the end of this month or early next month. My cycles are usually pretty long...so, we'll just have to wait and then try again! But I'm so greatful for the prayers...they at least got me to ovulate on my own!! :)

My husband started a blog too! :)

Below is his very first posting..So proud of Him. He is a bible college grad, youth pastor and life coach for entertainers & athlete's..Full of life experience and wisdom, I fully expect this to be an amazing project. Check it out! www.mrchrisavila.blogspot.com

I'm Just Sayin': You Were Born On Purpose: "So i officially caved in and started my own blog. So thanks for joining me on this journey and i pray this encourages you and pushes you tow..."

Sock Sistaaaa's!!

I am a member of this website called TheBump.com. It has boards to post on to get advice, share things etc and I frequently post on Trying To Get Pregnant-TTGP and Trouble Trying To Conceive-T-TTC. Well, on T-TTC or "3T" a "sock buddy" exchange was organized. The gist of it is this: women who are having trouble trying to conceive spend quite a bit of time in stirrups at their OBGYN or RE's office and a lot of the time we are at these appointments alone. With the "sock exchange" you sign up, get assigned a sock buddy and you each send eachother a cute pair of socks. These are to be THE pair of socks you wear to those appointments. When you are on your back & your feet are sitting there in the stirrups you can look at your socks while laying there and even if you are alone in the physical, you are not really alone. Those socks are a reminder that you have someone supporting you and there for you! Practically the whole 3T board took part so we are all here for eachother.

I missed the sign up and so did a few other ladies. One poster suggested we just be eachother's "sock sista's" so we are! We exchanged addresses and sent socks...I sent Crissy hers Friday through SockItToMe.com, two cute pairs :)

And this weekend.....I got mine!!

Yeee!! :D

Message read, "Hope these socks put a smile on your face!! Sock sista's Rock!!!!

Suuuper cute!

I think I might have an ultrasound this week to see how my ovaries are doing so I can wear my socks then!! The doctor will email me some time today or tomorrow hopefully...she thinks I did ovulate, but--elevated progesterone could also mean the cysts are back so its either really good! or....not so good....either I produced an egg finally OR I produced more cysts...we'll find out! Love my socks!! Thanks Crissy!! Totally put a smile on my face!

Sock Sista's!! :)

Progesterone test...

Alrighty...so today was the day for yet another progesterone test. What is a progesterone test? Well! I'm glad you asked...

A progesterone test measures the level of a hormone called progesterone. Now, if a woman has ovulated (grown and released her egg) like normal, then 7-8 days after ovualtion her progesterone level will be at a certain number. If she hasn't, it will also be at a certain (low) number. The last two times I have gotten this test done, my progesterone was low and thus no ovulation. Now, the only reason I think may I ovulated is because I *think* I may have gotten a positive reading on an ovulation predictor test. If positive, the test will read a dark line. As dark as or darker than the control line. Sometimes it is so hard to tell if it is dark enough to actually be positive. When I ask my husband to take a look, he seems as leery as I do! Some tests do away with the line and will give you a happy face or an open circle, depending on if you are having your LH surge, but there are just too $. The tricky thing about the ovuation test's are that by name, they are a tad misleading.

They do not technically predict ovulation, just the surge of the Leatenizing hormone which spurs on ovulation. But even with a +OPK (positive), a woman may still not be ovulating. Again, it just detects the surge, not the actually ovulation. For that some woman track their basal body temps each morning and record them, after a cycle is finished you can look back on your chart to see if your temps did shift enough to confirm ovulation. Now, temping was always hard for me..and right now my doctor wants me going in for blood work so I just do the b/w (blood work).

(I dont know why my arm looks SO huge in this picture...lol...I have been told I have lovely veins..aww shucks!)

I know I'm 24...but Terry (one of the tech's) gives these out and I'm glad to take one! :)

It wasn't bad at all, Terry (the tech who drew my blood) was great! It didn't hurt a bit. Maybe I'm just getting used to this....it's about the 6th time I've had blood work done in the last 3 months...I know it wont be the last. Thank you Jesus I have never had a frear of needles! I've always been "that" kind of person who actually likes to watch! So...by Monday (if not Saturday) I should have the results....fingers crossed! It would be the first time I actually ovulated on my own...that in itself would be a huge miracle :) We'll find out...

strawberries & sitting fees

I once thought that Mother's Day 2011 was a day I would be celebrating as a mother-to-be. That in the glow we find on all mom's on this day, I would be smiling inside knowing that this would be the first of many I might also be able to take part of as the 'celebrated'. Now, obviously that is not the case, I am not an expectant mommy just yet...and it would have been easy for me to dwell on this literally all day long. I prayed to God once and only once to take any sad or distractive thoughts from me this mother's day season. From then on it wasn't about me, and it shoudn't have been. This was to be a day to celebrate all the wonderful mother's in my life. I made the decision, I didn't think about myself of situation past that moment and I went into this day fully aware that it was going to be good.

And it was. I had shopped the night before for my mom as well as three other mom's I wanted to show a little praise to, three friends of mine. Now, the gift wasn't big, but I just wanted to give a little recognition that I recognize them not only as dear friends of mine, but as mom's & great ones at that. Blessing them blessed me in return.

During youth service for our junior highers, my husband handed me a box of chocolate covered strawberries.

I looked at him with a question mark on my face to which he replied, they're from so-and-so. I walked over to this sweet girl and thanked her for the treat, but told her that "I'm not yet a mom." She stood there so unaffected by my words and said, "I know, but even though you don't have a baby yet you are like a mom still." And as I looked around, all of our women leaders had each gotten a box, we served these kids and this little 6th grader took the time to give a little recognition to each of us. My heart melted. These kids also know about our struggle to conceive, to an extent. We decided to share with them this information to 1) allow them to partner and pray with us and 2) to some day then see that their prayers work & see God work that special miracle. That little gesture, though natural for her was so supernatural to me. It was the gesture my heart needed.

Later that day we took my mom to a little place where you pick pottery and paint it yourself. With lunch snacks spread out on one table and each of painting away we spent four hours laughing, talking and just being together celebrating my mom. She sat there soaking up ever minute of us all being together & loving on her, she opened her gifts and cards with care and enthusiasm. She was celebrated and we were there just for her. As a mom, her sitting fee was complimentary that day...as was mine. You see, the store manager who was assisting us that day asked how many mom's were in our party, we said one and pointed to my mom. She looked at me and asked if I was a mom and almost without even trying I sort of put my head down as if I was looking for something and said, "oh, no" with a small smile. She asked if I was married to which I replied yes. "Well, you'll be a mom some day" and she gave me my sitting fee for free as well.

Again, my heart smiled.

Now, maybe I'm being overly spiritual about all of this, the strawberries and the sitting fee. But for me, it was almost like a prophetic day. Two amazingly simple gestures from two people, had such an impact on my little heart this mother's day. And as I chose to honor those around me rather than focus on the fact that I was not to honored yet as a mom, God honored my decision and commitment back. "You're like a mom still" and "You'll be a mom one day" spoke to my faith directly. They may not have know what they were doing in just trying to be nice, but my faith was built just a little more this mothers day. Love how God works.. :)

In brokenness..

I have to be honest...with as positive, hopefull and faithfilled I try to be throughout all of this..sometimes, it really can just knock you down. I never want to sit and harp on the negative or complain about things. I know there is still just so much we have to be greatful for..but it wouldn't be an honest depiction of what is going on if I wasn't....honest. Since Chris and I are still fairly new in working through each month dealing with infertility and what comes and goes, some days are just easier than others. And some days...are just plain hard.

As a woman of God, I dont pretend to sit behind the illusion that because I am a believer that I will never go through pain, God will always spare me and that everything will be perfect. God never said we wouldn't go through trials, but He did say He would be with us in the fire. I know God is there..and I know I have to decide on purpose each day to walk in His Word over my life. I have to trust that He truly is in control. He has not left us. He is in everything. As a woman of God, I cling to my true hope, peace & joy..and trust that He is with me

But when infertility gives way to new ways of living life and it affects a husband and a wife in every area imaginable, both together and as individuals...it's not always easy. Some days, failure & guilt sit at my side, and I don't know what to do but pray and hope that God pulls me out soon. And He always does. I know that we will have lows with all of this. I have prayed to God to do whatever He needs to for His will to be done. So that He will get all the Glory. So, I know we are victorious. I know God is here. I know that when I am weak, His love and grace flood me where I am...

God let me be broken only before you..Cover my husband and I with your mercy & favor..Show us your love. Help us to keep our eyes only on you and speak life into each other and our situation. We trust you. We love you. We wait on you..You are so faithful my God.

"Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength." -1 Corinthians 15:43

Avenues of hope

I often lurk on youtube for video's..they used by just the pregnancy announcement video's..now, they are mostly video's on PCOS, infertility, treatment etc.

Just now I stumbled accross this amazing video with two powerful testimonies of God healing these two women of infertility...God is SO good..we PRAISE you LORD! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIoKAWDtVyk&feature=related

I find my hope in Christ..but sometimes...other avenues such as a kind word, a video like this, a prayer or encouragement can bring that extra little bit that you need...

morning tea

Sitting here sipping my cup of chamomile & spearmint tea I am reminded with each soft sip why I started drinking spearmint tea in the first place...normally I don't really like tea. The only time I would drink it was when I was little and had a tummy ache, my mom would give me a hot cup of chamomile tea with a little sugar and milk...so soothing. Just hearing the word chamomile brings comfort..she would wrap me in a soft blanket, brush my hair back behind my ear, kiss my forehead and hand my my cup of tea...

Now, the spearmint comes from reading I have done while researching all that entails PCOS. Just some background info, one of the signs that one has PCOS is higher than normal male androgens like testosterone in the body. Both men and women have testosterone, women in obviously lower amounts..but in women with PCOS testosterone is elevated for an unknown reason and so along with other hormones that are out of whack, the main cuplrit for me (since I am not insulin resistant) is that I have a severe hormonal imbalance. I had read on several ocassions that spearmint tea (somehow) can help to lower testosterone. Now, I don't know how 'sound' or factual that research is...but its just tea. Tea can't hurt..and if it can help well then by all means, bring on the spearmint.

Now, this may sound like I'm 'fishing' for something here but...I think God knew that those childhood cups of comfort would one day bring me comfort in a whole other way. Being that I don't really like tea, and yet the one natural thing that some women have said helped them is tea (speamint tea no less)...I took a big sigh and told myself I'd give it a try. Then when brewing my first cup, with a bag of spearmint tea, I remembered...

::Chamomile::

A sweet memory enraptured me as I dipped a second bag of tea in..one for my body, one for me. I now actually enjoy these twice daily cups of spearming and chamomile tea :) Back then, it comforted me and my mom was there to take care of me. Now, it comforts me still...and in dealing with infertility and daily having to actively choose to walk in God's promise and remember that I am whole in Christ. When I take a sip and taste the spearmint I remember: PCOS. When I take the same sip and taste the chamomile I remember: I am with you...God knew all along. That one day, that childhood habit would follow me and become a habit of necessity both physically and emotionally..God is so good...I love how He is in everything..even a sip of tea...

xoxo kris

The Dove is coming..

Sometimes..coming to a concrete realization or decision rather, is the one thing that spurs us on or shuts us down completely. Deciding that "this" is what is the reality for us in the very moment we are in can be a huge blow to our perception & fantasy. In facing my diagnosis, I will never forget the feelings that first flooded my mind.

In the actual moment of receiving my diagnosis I felt God immediately. I felt his peace, assurance, confidence and such a literal sense of comfort and reverance all at the same time. In that very moment I vowed to God I would give him all the praise and Glory still, if he could just please...strengthen me. Give me the strength & faith to do this.. Please..

I made up my mind, I decided then and there that even though this is the diagnosis, it is not--it will not be the end. I refused. In my mind I was already fighting what thoughts would surely come flooding in. I know that as a result of my response to what the enemy had attempted to destroy, because I would not give in..He came another way. In all reality, I had not done this to myself. I knew that. It wasn't my fault. But when the devil throws such blows and does not knock you down, rest assured he will try to find another way. And so the sadness, guilt, shame and insecurity crept its way in ever so quiet. A woman's thoughts can be her greatest weapon or her biggest down fall. Even in being in my Word more, guarding my husband and I with prayer and seeking God...my thoughts were trying to hold me captive. I admit..there were moments I felt so ashamed: I didn't work. I felt so guilty: I can't give my husband the children he has always wanted & prayed for, I am doing this to him, causing him to suffer and miss out. I felt insecure: I wasn't a whole woman. I felt broken: I was defective.

In all honesty I felt dead reproductively & emotionally. I cried until I was exhausted, prayed until I didn't know what else to say..but I knew I had to pull myself out of this pit. I was focusing on what the raven brought..what was dead. This past Sunday we had a guest speaker Sammy Rodriguez, he spoke about Noah, the Ark, the raven & the dove. Noah was in, literally IN the flood, but God saved him, kept him afloat & sustained him. In the end, Noah sent out two birds, the raven & the dove. First the raven, and when it returned as a sign of 'dead things', Noah did not follow it. Then, when the dove returned with an olive branch...as sign of life & annointing..he went out. Noah was not only sustained after the disasterous storm, but he was ultimately set above the highest mountain above it all....He did not follow the dead things that were brought to him, he waited--watched for the dove & signs of live and new annointing...he then went out and beheld his position. Not only that, but after buidling his altar of praise, after giving that praise to God, the Lord looked to Noah and said "never again." Never again would God do what he did. Because of Noah's praise, God said, never again.

How humbling is the thought that because of one's praise, God will say, "never again"? But to me, the most important part (at least at the place I am in within this journey), Noah chose to look toward life. To not follow/dwell on/focus on the dead things. He waited for signs of life. He waited. I had been working through taking control of my mind in Christ long before this sermon...but that spoke directly to me. At the end of the service I found myself at the alter, in tears, crying out to God, I hadn't done that in so long..

God I choose to not be lead by the 'dead' things..by thoughts and lies that will surely kill my faith & cause me to stray from this unique path you've layed before me. I need you now more than ever, I promise to give you all the praise for only you are due such recognition & honor..I know God, you have spoken this Word to my situation...the dove is coming...I will not let the enemy rule my thoughts oh God...you are my focus. Your Kingdom and Will are my hearts desire..we are in your hands.

Hold on beloved...your raven season is over..the dove is coming.

Job 5:8-27

8 “But if I were you, I would appeal to God;
I would lay my cause before him.
9 He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted.
10 He provides rain for the earth;
he sends water on the countryside.
11 The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn are lifted to safety.
12 He thwarts the plans of the crafty,
so that their hands achieve no success.
13 He catches the wise in their craftiness,
and the schemes of the wily are swept away.
14 Darkness comes upon them in the daytime;
at noon they grope as in the night.
15 He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
16 So the poor have hope,
and injustice shuts its mouth.


17 “Blessed is the one whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.
18 For he wounds, but he also binds up;
he injures, but his hands also heal.
19 From six calamities he will rescue you;
in seven no harm will touch you.
20 In famine he will deliver you from death,
and in battle from the stroke of the sword.
21 You will be protected from the lash of the tongue,
and need not fear when destruction comes.
22 You will laugh at destruction and famine,
and need not fear the wild animals.
23 For you will have a covenant with the stones of the field,
and the wild animals will be at peace with you.
24 You will know that your tent is secure;
you will take stock of your property and find nothing missing.
25 You will know that your children will be many,
and your descendants like the grass of the earth.
26 You will come to the grave in full vigor,
like sheaves gathered in season.


27 “We have examined this, and it is true.
So hear it and apply it to yourself.”

Victory Baby

Today I am especially exhausted...and in some pain. I think the cysts are either back or never went away completely and are just raring up again, either way--I can feel them. It's so uncomforatable to sit, and thats what I do all day..sit. I have learned somewhat how to deal throughout the day...heating pad, ibuprofen, standing from time to time...

I am at somewhat of a stand still with where our trying to conceive journey is headed. I mean, yes we are still trying. Although, my body has just decided it wont :) With not ovulating it's pretty much impossible to get pregnant..one more cycle on my own and I will then email my OBGYN regarding the fertility clinic. I think I will see the RE, have a consultation, view our options and what kind of plan they might have for us (after more testing of course) and go from there. My cousin also recommended this holistic doctor she see's. She has great testimonials, uses all natural stuff and for a consult, testing and treatment its around $300. Now, each RE appt will be about $75...and meds with an RE will be 50% out of pocket for me (not sure what each med costs...), procedures (not sure what that means) are subject to the deductible and then covered 50% after the deductible is met. I have no idea to what extent this will mean for us...treatment or cost wise...but let me tell you..it is pretty overwhelming..

I was going to post on and on about $$ and trying to conceive and an RE and all that....but...I didn't. Somehow I didn't have time to post and waited...then after some time I felt God speak to me. Through my husband, through friends who are aware of what we are going through..and through Jill McCloghry. Jill is a worship leader and has sung with Hillsong United, her testimony is that she lost her first baby, a boy, at about 24 weeks. Two years later she has birthed a beautiful baby girl and calls this new joy her "victory baby".

Victory baby.

I like that...not just a miracle was she...she was a victory. A triumph over the attempts the enemy had at stealing Jill and her husband's faith/joy/peace/confidence in Christ/belief/assurance...everything. Infertility or losing a baby--there are no words to describe the pain or struggle or just coping. The fact that Jill recognizes that this baby is not only a gift, but a victory--that's nothing short of pure wisdom. It was a sweet reminder that God has the victory..He has it for us. I read on someones FB statues that "God will never give a hunger he does not intend to satisfy." The world might, but God wont.

I ache to be a mom; to give Chris the children he has always wanted and prayed for. I yearn to carry my child, to have morning sickness and swollen feet...I would do anything for that...So we will. At God's leading, we will do anything we need to, and rest assured he will provide for us in every way...emotionally, financially, physically & mentally. Let me tell you, there is NO way Chris and I can do this without God..and I wait in the fact that there is NOTHING that is impossible for God. Do you know that Chris is completely believing that we conceive with no medical help? His faith is so sure.

We will have our victory baby. I claim it.

Today's Endocrinologist appointment...

For $30 I got to sit and hear the doctor tell me what I already knew. I don't ovulate. My cycles are irregular. I am not insulin resistant. I'm young. Not overweight. There is no cure or cause for PCOS. They don't know why I have it exactly other than my hormones are out of whack and my ovaries don't work like they should-- but again, they dont know why.

But here is something I thought she would tell me, but didnt. I thought she would start me on Metformin. She wouldn't. Metfomin is a drug that's used in diabetes care but is also used for women who have PCOS and are insulin resistant as well as non-insulin resistant. There have been improved fertility and regulation of normal cycles on Metformin. This doctor did not think I needed it however, even thought my personal care physician assured me the endo would probably start me on it.

I was looking forward to this appointment mostly because, if Metformin has been shown to possibly improve fertility and regulate cycles in some I'd love to give it a shot. And if I can get it from the Endo, which is within my normal health care coverage that's awesome...med's would only me $10/$30 a prescription. But, she wouldn't prescribe it. She just recommended eating a low-glycemic or diabetic diet and regular exercise...which I am already doing.

So now, it was recommended by my Endo and my OB/GYN to go one more cycle and if I don't ovualte or it is again irregular, I will then need to be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist at a fertility clinic. There I can be started on med's for infertility and go from there. The only problem is..its $75 per appointment (not $30 like my regular insurance coverage) and incurance only covers half of all "procedures". I dont know if that means meds and actual procedures or just procedures like IUI & IVF...I have no idea what the med's I would need will cost and I won't know until we have an appointment.

So here is hoping May is our month...that I by some miracle ovulate...if not..it's on to the RE. I was so upset after my apointment today...I felt like I was robbed of $30 dollars out of my bank account and 30 minutes of my day. I got absolutely nothing out of it. Or so I thought..though my doctor wouldn't or couldn't do anything for me..and I cried most of the way home..as I cried I made a point to listen to worship music.

In those small moments we feel even the tiniest bit of discouragement or defeat..we have to remember: God is still God. He is still on the throne in Heaven, He is still in control and He is for us. I decided that in those moments, when I feel down and don't feel like talking or even praying just yet...I will at least worship. I have a select playlist of song's on two cd's (I titled each CD "Faith Song's" and I listen and make myself sing a long and declare all that God is and what I should do..Today was "This is our God"-Hillsong

"And I will fall at your feet/I will fall at your feet/And I will worship you here../Your Presence in me/Jesus light the way/By the power of your Word/I am restored/I am redeemed/Let your spirit make me new..."

"And I will worship you here"..for me this line doesn't mean "here" is in here in this room/place--for me it means "here" as in...where I am in my spirit, in the heart I have at that moment and in my emotions or thoughts..I may not always be in the mood or feel like praying, or worshipping the Lord..so I have to choose and say I will worship you here. Right where I am. No matter what. I will worship you here my God.

SO, on we go. We'll give it another month of trying on our own. Chris is right..it's just now what God has for us (being with the endocrinologist)..He is in control. His will be done. We will still have joy and peace in the meantime :)


-K

This is our God

I love to worship..I cant really sing but I love to worship God in that way..two songs that so speak to me at this time are Desert Song & This is our God by Hillsong (among others). When listening to Desert Song on youtube.com one day I came accross a testimony/interview behind the song by one of the worship leaders singing the song, Jill McCloghry. Just weeks before the album was to be taped (live) she went into labor at 23 weeks & 5 days. They ultimately lost their little son, he was too small....

In this video she shares her wonderful testimony...God is so good. This is so encouraging...my troubles are nothing compared to hers...it's still so uplifting, encouraging..and a reminder of who our God STILL is..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9YQeJQXgfY&feature=related

And here is the song, This is our God...you can also youtube Desert Song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i0E7Y5vpkU

God is so good..."Your grace is enough/More than I need/At your Word/I will believe...let your spirit make me new...." Amen.

-K

This time next year..

Last night was such an amazing night. My husband was a guest Pastor/speaker on KTLN (a local station which broadcasts world wide) with his mentor and friend (host) Pastor Napoleon Kaufman. The show that night was centered on youth and saving a generation. It was an amazing show. All of the guest's had great insight, the worship team was so annointed and there was even a call in section with about a dozen people taking calls through out the two hours we were airing to pray for folks. God was so thick in that place...my husband did such a great job.



Pastor Napoleon is one of my husband's mentors and oldest friends so for me, it was such a treat just to go and finally meet him. There are men in my husbands life I always wish to extend gratitude to as I know their time, influence and words have helped to mold my husband into the man he is today. With catching up and chatting Pastor Napoleon asked us if there were any little Avila's on the way yet...we shook our heads and laughed it off. No..not yet :) I don't mind people asking, to me it's not rude because they are genuinely excited and wondering when we'll have some lil sorta-ricans ;)




Chris took a second and made a point to ask Pastor Napoleon to pray for us because we are dealing (in so many words) with infertility. (Chris has a hard time explaining it sometimes so he went into the fact that I have PCOS, I dont ovulate instead my body forms cysts etc...) I had to laugh inside because he is so cute trying to explain it all....I coached him later that night on what to say. Short and sweet. Not too much information haha..he's so cute. Anyway...while praying for us he spoke a prophetic word...




That this time next year we will be testifying about the miracle baby God has given us...!! Now, whether that means I will have had my little one by then, be pregnant or what...that doesn't matter to me. God knows what that all means...I'm just so encouraged by the word he spoke over us last night! God speaks to us in so many different ways..but you know what? It wasn't him speaking to my husband and I...it was God speaking to our situation, to my body, to the diagnosis. We completely receive it and I had to write it out. Get it out there. Make it known..this time next year..April 18th, 2012...he spoke the word last night..that's the day we are going from..we are believing and I praise God for last night. This time next year.... :)




-K

Great is thy faithfulness

I can only smile when I think about how faithful my God is..No matter what we go through, He is there. He know's our needs and will surely fulfill them. Notice that I said needs..not wants. Not that the Lord will not fulfill the desires of our hearts..He surely will should they line up with His plan. But when I say needs, I mean needs. And I needed Friday night..



Let me start you at the beginning. In the previous posting below, I explain the ups and downs emotionally of PCOS. Mainly, PCOS is the result of a hormonal imbalance. This causes several symptoms (they can differ from woman to woman) and in my of the symptoms I have, mood swings are definately one of them. To make a long story short (or a long story longer if you want to read the post below) I sometimes get these out of nowhere, uncontrollable tidal waves of sadness. They literally come out of nowhere, often when I am having a pretty okay day. They last for one to two days at most and go almost as suddenly as they come. Noticeable, enough to cause concern and make me wonder what's going on within my body. Feeling like my emotions/body has betrayed my..feeling so sad to my core for no reason that I can conceive..not being able to pull myself out, it just..leaves me exhausted to say the least. I am more sensitive, quick to be offended or hurt and apt to be off alone until it passes.



I had been having a pretty rough week this past week and my husband and I were due to attend a Joel Osteen event Friday night. Joel is a minister known for his encouraging & uplifting messages..a lot of what I know I needed--none of which I felt like going toward. I just didnt have anything in me, even though I know I needed it, I was to emotionally and almost physically exhausted to get home finally just to leave again. But I have something else I need, my husband. He had planned for us to go, we were going. And thank God we did. I really mean that, thank you Lord that we were able to go. You see one of Joel's worship leaders, Cindy Ratcliff, shared her testimony that night. She has gone through infertility issues. She, with such grace, explained briefly the struggle she and her husband had to conceive. But her story was not about infertility, it was about God's promises, plan & blessings endured and prevailed. She was able to conceive a son of her own and then later was so amazingly chosen by God to adopt twins (a boy and a girl, which her 1st son asked for years before!) She was so encouraging & most importantly real. She spoke of once feeling like a failure as a woman, not being able to have a baby the way a woman should. About feeling like a failure to her husband and so on..I so related to that and I appreciated her transperancy more than you know.



After her testimony, she played a slideshow of her husband and three beautiful children while singing "Great is thy faithfulness"...so fitting. I heard every single word she said, many pierced my heart and were a gentle yet firm reminder that God is God. He is STILL on the throne, He is above all, in charge and FOR us. I cried through the majority of her testimony & slideshow..not just cried... I ached..I was so raw emotionally and I was surrounded by other believers who although may not have known my story, but they knew the same God I did and their worship alone encouraged me. It all reminded me of what I was supposed to be doing..what I said I would do. Worship my God through it all. Because he is good. Because He is on the throne and sovereign. He is for me. He is my comfort, my refuge and my healer. He is my provider and guide. And GREAT is thy faithfulness...





-K

Highs & Lows

I have heard or read about people saying that they "don't feel like themselves" or that they feel as if their body isn't their own or that it's "betraying" them. I always thought those were pretty weird remarks..but now I know what they mean..

I have noticed in the last 6 weeks or so that I have been experiencing the dreaded highs and lows of PCOS. And I would even say "highs" but maybe just "normals". You see, PCOS is the result of a severe hormonal imbalance. In the male and female body we find testosterone, obviously in women's bodies is a much lower level. In women with PCOS, there is an elevated level of testosterone which throws off several of the female hormones (estrogen & progesterone) as well as other hormones. These hormonal imbalances can often also cause mood swings either slight or sever. Normally, a doctor could attribute the elevated testosterone to a woman being insulin resistant, however, in those that are not insulin resistant the imbalance is purely hormonal and even harder to give cause. (I should note there is no defined cause or cure for PCOS).

I have several other side effects of PCOS (which I will later address) but the mood swings have definately got me worried. I have never had them like this before and the intensity is scary. I can wake up in a good/normal mood and then just a few hours later be hit by this unbearable tidal wave of sadness. It just comes out of nowhere. This will last 1-2 days at most and is broken only upon awaking the next day it seems..however, if I am already in a bad/sad mood and this wave comes again-it keeps for longer, maybe even 4 days at most (so far).

It is enough to concern me, to affect my entire day and work as well as my responses to others and how sensitive I am in that time. I have never felt like this...I pray for God to give me strength and help me deal...Lord help me. I want to catch all this as soon as possible. My appointment with the Endocrinologist is on the 22nd, I will definately bring this up then...I know God is in control. But I feel like I am tossed all over sometimes..I just have to stay in my Word, pray and talk it out when I need to....oh the highs and lows..

-K

Kristina...you're up!

Last night..in my medical terminology class, presentations were due. Our presentations could have been on anything, cancer, heart attackes, TB, malnutrition...anything. Initially I chose RA as my mom suffers from RA and I didn't really know anything about...anything else..

Well, right after my PCOS diagnosis I switched my topic asap and then almost without realizing I had switched it, I remember thinking to myself...whaaaa? What was I thinking? I was still on my own learning a lot about PCOS and while my husband and I have told several people we are close with about my diagnosis so that they can keep us in prayer...this presentation was going to be infront of a bunch of strangers so to speak. Yes they were my classmates but no one talked to anyone else. We come. Take our quiz. Turn in our article. Take notes. Leave. My intent was then to educate on PCOS and I decided there was no real reason why I had to let them know this was something I have...

Well, almost as soon as I decided that, my professor shouts, "Kristina, you're up!" Now, I am totally fine with public speaking..I've never felt like that's been an issue for me..but I couldn't help but feel a tad nervous...but why? Well, to make a long story longer :) I was working through my presentation and then without noticing I started explaining everything about PCOS...and it didn't stop there. I told them how I was diagnosed, what MY symptoms were etc..OH MY GOSH. What a maroon....

But you know what...I did it in a very calm, informative only way...and when they had questions I felt so "okay" with answering them. After all the presentations were done and we had a break, my teacher and a few classmates thanked me for being so open during the presentation. They learned a lot and were sorry for having to deal with infertility...one girl said her cousin is dealing with endometriosis and she understands how hard that can be to deal with and even talk about so she was really appreciative. It brings comfort sometimes...knowing you are not alone. And even though in that class room I was alone-in the sense that I was the only one who could relate to what I was talking about-I didn't feel alone...they were all there for me...these strangers...it was well worth setting aside my fears to share. If I can help educate some people on this struggle and bring awareness, support or just knowledge...it's well worth it. ;) -K

If you want me to...

By Ginny Owens... The pathway is broken/ And the signs are unclear /And I don't know the reason why/ You brought me here/ But just because You love me /the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley/ If You want me to

No I'm not who I was /When I took my first step/ And I'm clinging to the promise/ You're not through with me yet /So if all of these trials bring me closer to /You Then I will go through the fire /If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen /When You lead me through a world that's not my home /But You never said it would be easy /You only said I'll never go alone/ So when the whole world turns against me /And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help/ I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through /And I will go through the darkness/ If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout /Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down /So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you /And I will walk through the valley if you want me to /Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to



"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4 "These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

"Daaadddyyyy"

With PCOS some days are better than others. I would rather say "some days are better than others" than "some days are worse than others"...I dont know, to me-it just makes it seem less...less...hmm..well how can infertility seem less "bad" (is that even proper grammar?)

Because hormone levels do not fluctuate properly or at the right time or levels, some days I am just so uncontrollably sad I dont know what to do. Those days are very few, maybe once or twice a month..It comes out of nowhere. Like someone flipped a switch and BAM, this tidal wave of sadness completely immerses me and I can't for the life of me find my way to the surface for air. I am not as emotionally distraut as some would think a woman could be, dealing with infertility (for the most part lol). And I dont attribute it to being naive or anything like that...I know my faith has truly sustained me, even before my diagnosis.

But yesterday of day 2 of just being out of it emotionally, suddenly, ever so gently I was reminded to watch a video some one had posted on my facebook weeks ago.. As I scrolled through the weeks of posts I found it, watched it..and cried like a baby. This song was birthed from a place we with IF (infertility) are familiar with...and whether you are a woman/person of faith or not...its touching. It's encouraging...it's...amazing..Take a look and you will see what I mean. I was blessed by it to say the least...even after weeks of forgetting and me being late in watching it, God is always on time. I needed to see that video in that moment. Not 3 weeks ago, not 4 days later, not Sunday night...but that moment. I love how things work out..even the smallest blessings...can be the biggest.

Here is the link...please watch it, I know you will not regret it...love you all :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5yRjIaN2ts


-K

Here goes.......everything.

It's easy for me to write out what I feel...I have no problem expressing my emotion when I don't have to worry about being judged. Although, with a blog, I also know that the point is that people will read my writings..and thats okay. When faced with adversity or just annoyances, I have to let it out..and I am not the best at communcating the right way..but-I'm going to do what I know, and that is-be real.
In the wake of this diagnosis I have decided that I want to share what I know, so far..I have several PCOS, fertility and infertility books...and all contain a wonderful array of information. But being a believer, I would love to have one that deals with the "faith" side of things. One that tells the story of a woman who has her diagnosis and her faith in God.
Now, maybe I haven't searched through Amazon.com hard enough to find that read, but I thought, why not take a stab at it. So, soon I will also post old writings of how I felt when I found out, how I am dealing with it now and so on..these "old" writings are things I wrote to myself..or just..no one. I emailed them to myself at another "junk" email to just, have..sort of like writing in a journal. I will be raw, real..maybe share a little too much, maybe leave things to be as they are and not give more detail, maybe make no sense at all sometimes... But I will always be honest. I believe in the healing/comfort/laughter/relief of transparency so...here goes.......everything.