In the actual moment of receiving my diagnosis I felt God immediately. I felt his peace, assurance, confidence and such a literal sense of comfort and reverance all at the same time. In that very moment I vowed to God I would give him all the praise and Glory still, if he could just please...strengthen me. Give me the strength & faith to do this.. Please..
I made up my mind, I decided then and there that even though this is the diagnosis, it is not--it will not be the end. I refused. In my mind I was already fighting what thoughts would surely come flooding in. I know that as a result of my response to what the enemy had attempted to destroy, because I would not give in..He came another way. In all reality, I had not done this to myself. I knew that. It wasn't my fault. But when the devil throws such blows and does not knock you down, rest assured he will try to find another way. And so the sadness, guilt, shame and insecurity crept its way in ever so quiet. A woman's thoughts can be her greatest weapon or her biggest down fall. Even in being in my Word more, guarding my husband and I with prayer and seeking God...my thoughts were trying to hold me captive. I admit..there were moments I felt so ashamed: I didn't work. I felt so guilty: I can't give my husband the children he has always wanted & prayed for, I am doing this to him, causing him to suffer and miss out. I felt insecure: I wasn't a whole woman. I felt broken: I was defective.
In all honesty I felt dead reproductively & emotionally. I cried until I was exhausted, prayed until I didn't know what else to say..but I knew I had to pull myself out of this pit. I was focusing on what the raven brought..what was dead. This past Sunday we had a guest speaker Sammy Rodriguez, he spoke about Noah, the Ark, the raven & the dove. Noah was in, literally IN the flood, but God saved him, kept him afloat & sustained him. In the end, Noah sent out two birds, the raven & the dove. First the raven, and when it returned as a sign of 'dead things', Noah did not follow it. Then, when the dove returned with an olive branch...as sign of life & annointing..he went out. Noah was not only sustained after the disasterous storm, but he was ultimately set above the highest mountain above it all....He did not follow the dead things that were brought to him, he waited--watched for the dove & signs of live and new annointing...he then went out and beheld his position. Not only that, but after buidling his altar of praise, after giving that praise to God, the Lord looked to Noah and said "never again." Never again would God do what he did. Because of Noah's praise, God said, never again.
How humbling is the thought that because of one's praise, God will say, "never again"? But to me, the most important part (at least at the place I am in within this journey), Noah chose to look toward life. To not follow/dwell on/focus on the dead things. He waited for signs of life. He waited. I had been working through taking control of my mind in Christ long before this sermon...but that spoke directly to me. At the end of the service I found myself at the alter, in tears, crying out to God, I hadn't done that in so long..
God I choose to not be lead by the 'dead' things..by thoughts and lies that will surely kill my faith & cause me to stray from this unique path you've layed before me. I need you now more than ever, I promise to give you all the praise for only you are due such recognition & honor..I know God, you have spoken this Word to my situation...the dove is coming...I will not let the enemy rule my thoughts oh God...you are my focus. Your Kingdom and Will are my hearts desire..we are in your hands.
Hold on beloved...your raven season is over..the dove is coming.
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