.hope.

Seeing that stark white pregnancy test can be tough. Knowing that the Lord is still and always has been completely in control is just....comforting to say the least. So many women who struggle with trying to conceive..especially with a lot of medical help can put all their faith and hope in the drugs, treatment, procedure, doctor or even their own body. And if all does not turn out as it should...that hope and faith is shattered into a million little pieces. He heart is broken. Her world is upside down. Her joy has swiftly gone.

In thinking of how easy that mode of thinking and living can be..I am so greatful I have the Lord to lean on. Because my body can fail, medicine and treatments can just not work "this time". Doctors can try their best but are limited to what the medicine can do and what my body decides it can do...I understand this. I understand that if all else fails, the Lord never will. He can't. He just can't. It is not in Him. It is not like Him.

Now that I know those desperate and longing feelings all too well...I pray daily over myself..and the millions of women and men out there struggling with infertility. It isn't easy when you feel you have been betrayed by God or your body or the universe or whatever...it isn't easy because that kind of thinking is so carnal. Instead pray that God give you the strength to not just endure but walk THROUGH what He has willed for your life. I in no way mean to offend anyone and to say that being childless and struggling for years to have a child is in any way is something God made happen to/for you. I am not the one to say any such thing. To perceive how God works is beyond me, that is not my place. But, for me and my husband...we chose to see this as a bad that God can bring so much good out of. No matter what we have to go through in the meantime. Maybe it can bring one, just one person to Christ. Maybe it can bring hope to another couple in the same situation. Maybe it's just going to bring our faith and ministry into a whole other level..

There are a lot of "maybe's" in there...but the one certain-for-sure-no-doubt-in-my-mind fact is that God will come through for us. He always has...He has set that promise in our hearts, that we will be a mami and papi one day :) I can let God handle the rest...He is afterall...Lord of all..

"And so Lord, where do I put hope? My only hope is in you."-Psalm 39:7

Good Progesterone Test!

Praise God! The progesterone test came back positive :) My levels were at 17 which is really good...my body did it all on its own! This would have been our last month before seeing a specialist at the fertility clinic...now, we can go a few more months on our own! I am expecting my monthly visitor...some time at the end of this month or early next month. My cycles are usually pretty long...so, we'll just have to wait and then try again! But I'm so greatful for the prayers...they at least got me to ovulate on my own!! :)

My husband started a blog too! :)

Below is his very first posting..So proud of Him. He is a bible college grad, youth pastor and life coach for entertainers & athlete's..Full of life experience and wisdom, I fully expect this to be an amazing project. Check it out! www.mrchrisavila.blogspot.com

I'm Just Sayin': You Were Born On Purpose: "So i officially caved in and started my own blog. So thanks for joining me on this journey and i pray this encourages you and pushes you tow..."

Sock Sistaaaa's!!

I am a member of this website called TheBump.com. It has boards to post on to get advice, share things etc and I frequently post on Trying To Get Pregnant-TTGP and Trouble Trying To Conceive-T-TTC. Well, on T-TTC or "3T" a "sock buddy" exchange was organized. The gist of it is this: women who are having trouble trying to conceive spend quite a bit of time in stirrups at their OBGYN or RE's office and a lot of the time we are at these appointments alone. With the "sock exchange" you sign up, get assigned a sock buddy and you each send eachother a cute pair of socks. These are to be THE pair of socks you wear to those appointments. When you are on your back & your feet are sitting there in the stirrups you can look at your socks while laying there and even if you are alone in the physical, you are not really alone. Those socks are a reminder that you have someone supporting you and there for you! Practically the whole 3T board took part so we are all here for eachother.

I missed the sign up and so did a few other ladies. One poster suggested we just be eachother's "sock sista's" so we are! We exchanged addresses and sent socks...I sent Crissy hers Friday through SockItToMe.com, two cute pairs :)

And this weekend.....I got mine!!

Yeee!! :D

Message read, "Hope these socks put a smile on your face!! Sock sista's Rock!!!!

Suuuper cute!

I think I might have an ultrasound this week to see how my ovaries are doing so I can wear my socks then!! The doctor will email me some time today or tomorrow hopefully...she thinks I did ovulate, but--elevated progesterone could also mean the cysts are back so its either really good! or....not so good....either I produced an egg finally OR I produced more cysts...we'll find out! Love my socks!! Thanks Crissy!! Totally put a smile on my face!

Sock Sista's!! :)

Progesterone test...

Alrighty...so today was the day for yet another progesterone test. What is a progesterone test? Well! I'm glad you asked...

A progesterone test measures the level of a hormone called progesterone. Now, if a woman has ovulated (grown and released her egg) like normal, then 7-8 days after ovualtion her progesterone level will be at a certain number. If she hasn't, it will also be at a certain (low) number. The last two times I have gotten this test done, my progesterone was low and thus no ovulation. Now, the only reason I think may I ovulated is because I *think* I may have gotten a positive reading on an ovulation predictor test. If positive, the test will read a dark line. As dark as or darker than the control line. Sometimes it is so hard to tell if it is dark enough to actually be positive. When I ask my husband to take a look, he seems as leery as I do! Some tests do away with the line and will give you a happy face or an open circle, depending on if you are having your LH surge, but there are just too $. The tricky thing about the ovuation test's are that by name, they are a tad misleading.

They do not technically predict ovulation, just the surge of the Leatenizing hormone which spurs on ovulation. But even with a +OPK (positive), a woman may still not be ovulating. Again, it just detects the surge, not the actually ovulation. For that some woman track their basal body temps each morning and record them, after a cycle is finished you can look back on your chart to see if your temps did shift enough to confirm ovulation. Now, temping was always hard for me..and right now my doctor wants me going in for blood work so I just do the b/w (blood work).

(I dont know why my arm looks SO huge in this picture...lol...I have been told I have lovely veins..aww shucks!)

I know I'm 24...but Terry (one of the tech's) gives these out and I'm glad to take one! :)

It wasn't bad at all, Terry (the tech who drew my blood) was great! It didn't hurt a bit. Maybe I'm just getting used to this....it's about the 6th time I've had blood work done in the last 3 months...I know it wont be the last. Thank you Jesus I have never had a frear of needles! I've always been "that" kind of person who actually likes to watch! So...by Monday (if not Saturday) I should have the results....fingers crossed! It would be the first time I actually ovulated on my own...that in itself would be a huge miracle :) We'll find out...

strawberries & sitting fees

I once thought that Mother's Day 2011 was a day I would be celebrating as a mother-to-be. That in the glow we find on all mom's on this day, I would be smiling inside knowing that this would be the first of many I might also be able to take part of as the 'celebrated'. Now, obviously that is not the case, I am not an expectant mommy just yet...and it would have been easy for me to dwell on this literally all day long. I prayed to God once and only once to take any sad or distractive thoughts from me this mother's day season. From then on it wasn't about me, and it shoudn't have been. This was to be a day to celebrate all the wonderful mother's in my life. I made the decision, I didn't think about myself of situation past that moment and I went into this day fully aware that it was going to be good.

And it was. I had shopped the night before for my mom as well as three other mom's I wanted to show a little praise to, three friends of mine. Now, the gift wasn't big, but I just wanted to give a little recognition that I recognize them not only as dear friends of mine, but as mom's & great ones at that. Blessing them blessed me in return.

During youth service for our junior highers, my husband handed me a box of chocolate covered strawberries.

I looked at him with a question mark on my face to which he replied, they're from so-and-so. I walked over to this sweet girl and thanked her for the treat, but told her that "I'm not yet a mom." She stood there so unaffected by my words and said, "I know, but even though you don't have a baby yet you are like a mom still." And as I looked around, all of our women leaders had each gotten a box, we served these kids and this little 6th grader took the time to give a little recognition to each of us. My heart melted. These kids also know about our struggle to conceive, to an extent. We decided to share with them this information to 1) allow them to partner and pray with us and 2) to some day then see that their prayers work & see God work that special miracle. That little gesture, though natural for her was so supernatural to me. It was the gesture my heart needed.

Later that day we took my mom to a little place where you pick pottery and paint it yourself. With lunch snacks spread out on one table and each of painting away we spent four hours laughing, talking and just being together celebrating my mom. She sat there soaking up ever minute of us all being together & loving on her, she opened her gifts and cards with care and enthusiasm. She was celebrated and we were there just for her. As a mom, her sitting fee was complimentary that day...as was mine. You see, the store manager who was assisting us that day asked how many mom's were in our party, we said one and pointed to my mom. She looked at me and asked if I was a mom and almost without even trying I sort of put my head down as if I was looking for something and said, "oh, no" with a small smile. She asked if I was married to which I replied yes. "Well, you'll be a mom some day" and she gave me my sitting fee for free as well.

Again, my heart smiled.

Now, maybe I'm being overly spiritual about all of this, the strawberries and the sitting fee. But for me, it was almost like a prophetic day. Two amazingly simple gestures from two people, had such an impact on my little heart this mother's day. And as I chose to honor those around me rather than focus on the fact that I was not to honored yet as a mom, God honored my decision and commitment back. "You're like a mom still" and "You'll be a mom one day" spoke to my faith directly. They may not have know what they were doing in just trying to be nice, but my faith was built just a little more this mothers day. Love how God works.. :)

In brokenness..

I have to be honest...with as positive, hopefull and faithfilled I try to be throughout all of this..sometimes, it really can just knock you down. I never want to sit and harp on the negative or complain about things. I know there is still just so much we have to be greatful for..but it wouldn't be an honest depiction of what is going on if I wasn't....honest. Since Chris and I are still fairly new in working through each month dealing with infertility and what comes and goes, some days are just easier than others. And some days...are just plain hard.

As a woman of God, I dont pretend to sit behind the illusion that because I am a believer that I will never go through pain, God will always spare me and that everything will be perfect. God never said we wouldn't go through trials, but He did say He would be with us in the fire. I know God is there..and I know I have to decide on purpose each day to walk in His Word over my life. I have to trust that He truly is in control. He has not left us. He is in everything. As a woman of God, I cling to my true hope, peace & joy..and trust that He is with me

But when infertility gives way to new ways of living life and it affects a husband and a wife in every area imaginable, both together and as individuals...it's not always easy. Some days, failure & guilt sit at my side, and I don't know what to do but pray and hope that God pulls me out soon. And He always does. I know that we will have lows with all of this. I have prayed to God to do whatever He needs to for His will to be done. So that He will get all the Glory. So, I know we are victorious. I know God is here. I know that when I am weak, His love and grace flood me where I am...

God let me be broken only before you..Cover my husband and I with your mercy & favor..Show us your love. Help us to keep our eyes only on you and speak life into each other and our situation. We trust you. We love you. We wait on you..You are so faithful my God.

"Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength." -1 Corinthians 15:43

Avenues of hope

I often lurk on youtube for video's..they used by just the pregnancy announcement video's..now, they are mostly video's on PCOS, infertility, treatment etc.

Just now I stumbled accross this amazing video with two powerful testimonies of God healing these two women of infertility...God is SO good..we PRAISE you LORD! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIoKAWDtVyk&feature=related

I find my hope in Christ..but sometimes...other avenues such as a kind word, a video like this, a prayer or encouragement can bring that extra little bit that you need...

morning tea

Sitting here sipping my cup of chamomile & spearmint tea I am reminded with each soft sip why I started drinking spearmint tea in the first place...normally I don't really like tea. The only time I would drink it was when I was little and had a tummy ache, my mom would give me a hot cup of chamomile tea with a little sugar and milk...so soothing. Just hearing the word chamomile brings comfort..she would wrap me in a soft blanket, brush my hair back behind my ear, kiss my forehead and hand my my cup of tea...

Now, the spearmint comes from reading I have done while researching all that entails PCOS. Just some background info, one of the signs that one has PCOS is higher than normal male androgens like testosterone in the body. Both men and women have testosterone, women in obviously lower amounts..but in women with PCOS testosterone is elevated for an unknown reason and so along with other hormones that are out of whack, the main cuplrit for me (since I am not insulin resistant) is that I have a severe hormonal imbalance. I had read on several ocassions that spearmint tea (somehow) can help to lower testosterone. Now, I don't know how 'sound' or factual that research is...but its just tea. Tea can't hurt..and if it can help well then by all means, bring on the spearmint.

Now, this may sound like I'm 'fishing' for something here but...I think God knew that those childhood cups of comfort would one day bring me comfort in a whole other way. Being that I don't really like tea, and yet the one natural thing that some women have said helped them is tea (speamint tea no less)...I took a big sigh and told myself I'd give it a try. Then when brewing my first cup, with a bag of spearmint tea, I remembered...

::Chamomile::

A sweet memory enraptured me as I dipped a second bag of tea in..one for my body, one for me. I now actually enjoy these twice daily cups of spearming and chamomile tea :) Back then, it comforted me and my mom was there to take care of me. Now, it comforts me still...and in dealing with infertility and daily having to actively choose to walk in God's promise and remember that I am whole in Christ. When I take a sip and taste the spearmint I remember: PCOS. When I take the same sip and taste the chamomile I remember: I am with you...God knew all along. That one day, that childhood habit would follow me and become a habit of necessity both physically and emotionally..God is so good...I love how He is in everything..even a sip of tea...

xoxo kris

The Dove is coming..

Sometimes..coming to a concrete realization or decision rather, is the one thing that spurs us on or shuts us down completely. Deciding that "this" is what is the reality for us in the very moment we are in can be a huge blow to our perception & fantasy. In facing my diagnosis, I will never forget the feelings that first flooded my mind.

In the actual moment of receiving my diagnosis I felt God immediately. I felt his peace, assurance, confidence and such a literal sense of comfort and reverance all at the same time. In that very moment I vowed to God I would give him all the praise and Glory still, if he could just please...strengthen me. Give me the strength & faith to do this.. Please..

I made up my mind, I decided then and there that even though this is the diagnosis, it is not--it will not be the end. I refused. In my mind I was already fighting what thoughts would surely come flooding in. I know that as a result of my response to what the enemy had attempted to destroy, because I would not give in..He came another way. In all reality, I had not done this to myself. I knew that. It wasn't my fault. But when the devil throws such blows and does not knock you down, rest assured he will try to find another way. And so the sadness, guilt, shame and insecurity crept its way in ever so quiet. A woman's thoughts can be her greatest weapon or her biggest down fall. Even in being in my Word more, guarding my husband and I with prayer and seeking God...my thoughts were trying to hold me captive. I admit..there were moments I felt so ashamed: I didn't work. I felt so guilty: I can't give my husband the children he has always wanted & prayed for, I am doing this to him, causing him to suffer and miss out. I felt insecure: I wasn't a whole woman. I felt broken: I was defective.

In all honesty I felt dead reproductively & emotionally. I cried until I was exhausted, prayed until I didn't know what else to say..but I knew I had to pull myself out of this pit. I was focusing on what the raven brought..what was dead. This past Sunday we had a guest speaker Sammy Rodriguez, he spoke about Noah, the Ark, the raven & the dove. Noah was in, literally IN the flood, but God saved him, kept him afloat & sustained him. In the end, Noah sent out two birds, the raven & the dove. First the raven, and when it returned as a sign of 'dead things', Noah did not follow it. Then, when the dove returned with an olive branch...as sign of life & annointing..he went out. Noah was not only sustained after the disasterous storm, but he was ultimately set above the highest mountain above it all....He did not follow the dead things that were brought to him, he waited--watched for the dove & signs of live and new annointing...he then went out and beheld his position. Not only that, but after buidling his altar of praise, after giving that praise to God, the Lord looked to Noah and said "never again." Never again would God do what he did. Because of Noah's praise, God said, never again.

How humbling is the thought that because of one's praise, God will say, "never again"? But to me, the most important part (at least at the place I am in within this journey), Noah chose to look toward life. To not follow/dwell on/focus on the dead things. He waited for signs of life. He waited. I had been working through taking control of my mind in Christ long before this sermon...but that spoke directly to me. At the end of the service I found myself at the alter, in tears, crying out to God, I hadn't done that in so long..

God I choose to not be lead by the 'dead' things..by thoughts and lies that will surely kill my faith & cause me to stray from this unique path you've layed before me. I need you now more than ever, I promise to give you all the praise for only you are due such recognition & honor..I know God, you have spoken this Word to my situation...the dove is coming...I will not let the enemy rule my thoughts oh God...you are my focus. Your Kingdom and Will are my hearts desire..we are in your hands.

Hold on beloved...your raven season is over..the dove is coming.