Job 5:8-27

8 “But if I were you, I would appeal to God;
I would lay my cause before him.
9 He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted.
10 He provides rain for the earth;
he sends water on the countryside.
11 The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn are lifted to safety.
12 He thwarts the plans of the crafty,
so that their hands achieve no success.
13 He catches the wise in their craftiness,
and the schemes of the wily are swept away.
14 Darkness comes upon them in the daytime;
at noon they grope as in the night.
15 He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
16 So the poor have hope,
and injustice shuts its mouth.


17 “Blessed is the one whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.
18 For he wounds, but he also binds up;
he injures, but his hands also heal.
19 From six calamities he will rescue you;
in seven no harm will touch you.
20 In famine he will deliver you from death,
and in battle from the stroke of the sword.
21 You will be protected from the lash of the tongue,
and need not fear when destruction comes.
22 You will laugh at destruction and famine,
and need not fear the wild animals.
23 For you will have a covenant with the stones of the field,
and the wild animals will be at peace with you.
24 You will know that your tent is secure;
you will take stock of your property and find nothing missing.
25 You will know that your children will be many,
and your descendants like the grass of the earth.
26 You will come to the grave in full vigor,
like sheaves gathered in season.


27 “We have examined this, and it is true.
So hear it and apply it to yourself.”

Victory Baby

Today I am especially exhausted...and in some pain. I think the cysts are either back or never went away completely and are just raring up again, either way--I can feel them. It's so uncomforatable to sit, and thats what I do all day..sit. I have learned somewhat how to deal throughout the day...heating pad, ibuprofen, standing from time to time...

I am at somewhat of a stand still with where our trying to conceive journey is headed. I mean, yes we are still trying. Although, my body has just decided it wont :) With not ovulating it's pretty much impossible to get pregnant..one more cycle on my own and I will then email my OBGYN regarding the fertility clinic. I think I will see the RE, have a consultation, view our options and what kind of plan they might have for us (after more testing of course) and go from there. My cousin also recommended this holistic doctor she see's. She has great testimonials, uses all natural stuff and for a consult, testing and treatment its around $300. Now, each RE appt will be about $75...and meds with an RE will be 50% out of pocket for me (not sure what each med costs...), procedures (not sure what that means) are subject to the deductible and then covered 50% after the deductible is met. I have no idea to what extent this will mean for us...treatment or cost wise...but let me tell you..it is pretty overwhelming..

I was going to post on and on about $$ and trying to conceive and an RE and all that....but...I didn't. Somehow I didn't have time to post and waited...then after some time I felt God speak to me. Through my husband, through friends who are aware of what we are going through..and through Jill McCloghry. Jill is a worship leader and has sung with Hillsong United, her testimony is that she lost her first baby, a boy, at about 24 weeks. Two years later she has birthed a beautiful baby girl and calls this new joy her "victory baby".

Victory baby.

I like that...not just a miracle was she...she was a victory. A triumph over the attempts the enemy had at stealing Jill and her husband's faith/joy/peace/confidence in Christ/belief/assurance...everything. Infertility or losing a baby--there are no words to describe the pain or struggle or just coping. The fact that Jill recognizes that this baby is not only a gift, but a victory--that's nothing short of pure wisdom. It was a sweet reminder that God has the victory..He has it for us. I read on someones FB statues that "God will never give a hunger he does not intend to satisfy." The world might, but God wont.

I ache to be a mom; to give Chris the children he has always wanted and prayed for. I yearn to carry my child, to have morning sickness and swollen feet...I would do anything for that...So we will. At God's leading, we will do anything we need to, and rest assured he will provide for us in every way...emotionally, financially, physically & mentally. Let me tell you, there is NO way Chris and I can do this without God..and I wait in the fact that there is NOTHING that is impossible for God. Do you know that Chris is completely believing that we conceive with no medical help? His faith is so sure.

We will have our victory baby. I claim it.

Today's Endocrinologist appointment...

For $30 I got to sit and hear the doctor tell me what I already knew. I don't ovulate. My cycles are irregular. I am not insulin resistant. I'm young. Not overweight. There is no cure or cause for PCOS. They don't know why I have it exactly other than my hormones are out of whack and my ovaries don't work like they should-- but again, they dont know why.

But here is something I thought she would tell me, but didnt. I thought she would start me on Metformin. She wouldn't. Metfomin is a drug that's used in diabetes care but is also used for women who have PCOS and are insulin resistant as well as non-insulin resistant. There have been improved fertility and regulation of normal cycles on Metformin. This doctor did not think I needed it however, even thought my personal care physician assured me the endo would probably start me on it.

I was looking forward to this appointment mostly because, if Metformin has been shown to possibly improve fertility and regulate cycles in some I'd love to give it a shot. And if I can get it from the Endo, which is within my normal health care coverage that's awesome...med's would only me $10/$30 a prescription. But, she wouldn't prescribe it. She just recommended eating a low-glycemic or diabetic diet and regular exercise...which I am already doing.

So now, it was recommended by my Endo and my OB/GYN to go one more cycle and if I don't ovualte or it is again irregular, I will then need to be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist at a fertility clinic. There I can be started on med's for infertility and go from there. The only problem is..its $75 per appointment (not $30 like my regular insurance coverage) and incurance only covers half of all "procedures". I dont know if that means meds and actual procedures or just procedures like IUI & IVF...I have no idea what the med's I would need will cost and I won't know until we have an appointment.

So here is hoping May is our month...that I by some miracle ovulate...if not..it's on to the RE. I was so upset after my apointment today...I felt like I was robbed of $30 dollars out of my bank account and 30 minutes of my day. I got absolutely nothing out of it. Or so I thought..though my doctor wouldn't or couldn't do anything for me..and I cried most of the way home..as I cried I made a point to listen to worship music.

In those small moments we feel even the tiniest bit of discouragement or defeat..we have to remember: God is still God. He is still on the throne in Heaven, He is still in control and He is for us. I decided that in those moments, when I feel down and don't feel like talking or even praying just yet...I will at least worship. I have a select playlist of song's on two cd's (I titled each CD "Faith Song's" and I listen and make myself sing a long and declare all that God is and what I should do..Today was "This is our God"-Hillsong

"And I will fall at your feet/I will fall at your feet/And I will worship you here../Your Presence in me/Jesus light the way/By the power of your Word/I am restored/I am redeemed/Let your spirit make me new..."

"And I will worship you here"..for me this line doesn't mean "here" is in here in this room/place--for me it means "here" as in...where I am in my spirit, in the heart I have at that moment and in my emotions or thoughts..I may not always be in the mood or feel like praying, or worshipping the Lord..so I have to choose and say I will worship you here. Right where I am. No matter what. I will worship you here my God.

SO, on we go. We'll give it another month of trying on our own. Chris is right..it's just now what God has for us (being with the endocrinologist)..He is in control. His will be done. We will still have joy and peace in the meantime :)


-K

This is our God

I love to worship..I cant really sing but I love to worship God in that way..two songs that so speak to me at this time are Desert Song & This is our God by Hillsong (among others). When listening to Desert Song on youtube.com one day I came accross a testimony/interview behind the song by one of the worship leaders singing the song, Jill McCloghry. Just weeks before the album was to be taped (live) she went into labor at 23 weeks & 5 days. They ultimately lost their little son, he was too small....

In this video she shares her wonderful testimony...God is so good. This is so encouraging...my troubles are nothing compared to hers...it's still so uplifting, encouraging..and a reminder of who our God STILL is..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9YQeJQXgfY&feature=related

And here is the song, This is our God...you can also youtube Desert Song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i0E7Y5vpkU

God is so good..."Your grace is enough/More than I need/At your Word/I will believe...let your spirit make me new...." Amen.

-K

This time next year..

Last night was such an amazing night. My husband was a guest Pastor/speaker on KTLN (a local station which broadcasts world wide) with his mentor and friend (host) Pastor Napoleon Kaufman. The show that night was centered on youth and saving a generation. It was an amazing show. All of the guest's had great insight, the worship team was so annointed and there was even a call in section with about a dozen people taking calls through out the two hours we were airing to pray for folks. God was so thick in that place...my husband did such a great job.



Pastor Napoleon is one of my husband's mentors and oldest friends so for me, it was such a treat just to go and finally meet him. There are men in my husbands life I always wish to extend gratitude to as I know their time, influence and words have helped to mold my husband into the man he is today. With catching up and chatting Pastor Napoleon asked us if there were any little Avila's on the way yet...we shook our heads and laughed it off. No..not yet :) I don't mind people asking, to me it's not rude because they are genuinely excited and wondering when we'll have some lil sorta-ricans ;)




Chris took a second and made a point to ask Pastor Napoleon to pray for us because we are dealing (in so many words) with infertility. (Chris has a hard time explaining it sometimes so he went into the fact that I have PCOS, I dont ovulate instead my body forms cysts etc...) I had to laugh inside because he is so cute trying to explain it all....I coached him later that night on what to say. Short and sweet. Not too much information haha..he's so cute. Anyway...while praying for us he spoke a prophetic word...




That this time next year we will be testifying about the miracle baby God has given us...!! Now, whether that means I will have had my little one by then, be pregnant or what...that doesn't matter to me. God knows what that all means...I'm just so encouraged by the word he spoke over us last night! God speaks to us in so many different ways..but you know what? It wasn't him speaking to my husband and I...it was God speaking to our situation, to my body, to the diagnosis. We completely receive it and I had to write it out. Get it out there. Make it known..this time next year..April 18th, 2012...he spoke the word last night..that's the day we are going from..we are believing and I praise God for last night. This time next year.... :)




-K

Great is thy faithfulness

I can only smile when I think about how faithful my God is..No matter what we go through, He is there. He know's our needs and will surely fulfill them. Notice that I said needs..not wants. Not that the Lord will not fulfill the desires of our hearts..He surely will should they line up with His plan. But when I say needs, I mean needs. And I needed Friday night..



Let me start you at the beginning. In the previous posting below, I explain the ups and downs emotionally of PCOS. Mainly, PCOS is the result of a hormonal imbalance. This causes several symptoms (they can differ from woman to woman) and in my of the symptoms I have, mood swings are definately one of them. To make a long story short (or a long story longer if you want to read the post below) I sometimes get these out of nowhere, uncontrollable tidal waves of sadness. They literally come out of nowhere, often when I am having a pretty okay day. They last for one to two days at most and go almost as suddenly as they come. Noticeable, enough to cause concern and make me wonder what's going on within my body. Feeling like my emotions/body has betrayed my..feeling so sad to my core for no reason that I can conceive..not being able to pull myself out, it just..leaves me exhausted to say the least. I am more sensitive, quick to be offended or hurt and apt to be off alone until it passes.



I had been having a pretty rough week this past week and my husband and I were due to attend a Joel Osteen event Friday night. Joel is a minister known for his encouraging & uplifting messages..a lot of what I know I needed--none of which I felt like going toward. I just didnt have anything in me, even though I know I needed it, I was to emotionally and almost physically exhausted to get home finally just to leave again. But I have something else I need, my husband. He had planned for us to go, we were going. And thank God we did. I really mean that, thank you Lord that we were able to go. You see one of Joel's worship leaders, Cindy Ratcliff, shared her testimony that night. She has gone through infertility issues. She, with such grace, explained briefly the struggle she and her husband had to conceive. But her story was not about infertility, it was about God's promises, plan & blessings endured and prevailed. She was able to conceive a son of her own and then later was so amazingly chosen by God to adopt twins (a boy and a girl, which her 1st son asked for years before!) She was so encouraging & most importantly real. She spoke of once feeling like a failure as a woman, not being able to have a baby the way a woman should. About feeling like a failure to her husband and so on..I so related to that and I appreciated her transperancy more than you know.



After her testimony, she played a slideshow of her husband and three beautiful children while singing "Great is thy faithfulness"...so fitting. I heard every single word she said, many pierced my heart and were a gentle yet firm reminder that God is God. He is STILL on the throne, He is above all, in charge and FOR us. I cried through the majority of her testimony & slideshow..not just cried... I ached..I was so raw emotionally and I was surrounded by other believers who although may not have known my story, but they knew the same God I did and their worship alone encouraged me. It all reminded me of what I was supposed to be doing..what I said I would do. Worship my God through it all. Because he is good. Because He is on the throne and sovereign. He is for me. He is my comfort, my refuge and my healer. He is my provider and guide. And GREAT is thy faithfulness...





-K

Highs & Lows

I have heard or read about people saying that they "don't feel like themselves" or that they feel as if their body isn't their own or that it's "betraying" them. I always thought those were pretty weird remarks..but now I know what they mean..

I have noticed in the last 6 weeks or so that I have been experiencing the dreaded highs and lows of PCOS. And I would even say "highs" but maybe just "normals". You see, PCOS is the result of a severe hormonal imbalance. In the male and female body we find testosterone, obviously in women's bodies is a much lower level. In women with PCOS, there is an elevated level of testosterone which throws off several of the female hormones (estrogen & progesterone) as well as other hormones. These hormonal imbalances can often also cause mood swings either slight or sever. Normally, a doctor could attribute the elevated testosterone to a woman being insulin resistant, however, in those that are not insulin resistant the imbalance is purely hormonal and even harder to give cause. (I should note there is no defined cause or cure for PCOS).

I have several other side effects of PCOS (which I will later address) but the mood swings have definately got me worried. I have never had them like this before and the intensity is scary. I can wake up in a good/normal mood and then just a few hours later be hit by this unbearable tidal wave of sadness. It just comes out of nowhere. This will last 1-2 days at most and is broken only upon awaking the next day it seems..however, if I am already in a bad/sad mood and this wave comes again-it keeps for longer, maybe even 4 days at most (so far).

It is enough to concern me, to affect my entire day and work as well as my responses to others and how sensitive I am in that time. I have never felt like this...I pray for God to give me strength and help me deal...Lord help me. I want to catch all this as soon as possible. My appointment with the Endocrinologist is on the 22nd, I will definately bring this up then...I know God is in control. But I feel like I am tossed all over sometimes..I just have to stay in my Word, pray and talk it out when I need to....oh the highs and lows..

-K

Kristina...you're up!

Last night..in my medical terminology class, presentations were due. Our presentations could have been on anything, cancer, heart attackes, TB, malnutrition...anything. Initially I chose RA as my mom suffers from RA and I didn't really know anything about...anything else..

Well, right after my PCOS diagnosis I switched my topic asap and then almost without realizing I had switched it, I remember thinking to myself...whaaaa? What was I thinking? I was still on my own learning a lot about PCOS and while my husband and I have told several people we are close with about my diagnosis so that they can keep us in prayer...this presentation was going to be infront of a bunch of strangers so to speak. Yes they were my classmates but no one talked to anyone else. We come. Take our quiz. Turn in our article. Take notes. Leave. My intent was then to educate on PCOS and I decided there was no real reason why I had to let them know this was something I have...

Well, almost as soon as I decided that, my professor shouts, "Kristina, you're up!" Now, I am totally fine with public speaking..I've never felt like that's been an issue for me..but I couldn't help but feel a tad nervous...but why? Well, to make a long story longer :) I was working through my presentation and then without noticing I started explaining everything about PCOS...and it didn't stop there. I told them how I was diagnosed, what MY symptoms were etc..OH MY GOSH. What a maroon....

But you know what...I did it in a very calm, informative only way...and when they had questions I felt so "okay" with answering them. After all the presentations were done and we had a break, my teacher and a few classmates thanked me for being so open during the presentation. They learned a lot and were sorry for having to deal with infertility...one girl said her cousin is dealing with endometriosis and she understands how hard that can be to deal with and even talk about so she was really appreciative. It brings comfort sometimes...knowing you are not alone. And even though in that class room I was alone-in the sense that I was the only one who could relate to what I was talking about-I didn't feel alone...they were all there for me...these strangers...it was well worth setting aside my fears to share. If I can help educate some people on this struggle and bring awareness, support or just knowledge...it's well worth it. ;) -K

If you want me to...

By Ginny Owens... The pathway is broken/ And the signs are unclear /And I don't know the reason why/ You brought me here/ But just because You love me /the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley/ If You want me to

No I'm not who I was /When I took my first step/ And I'm clinging to the promise/ You're not through with me yet /So if all of these trials bring me closer to /You Then I will go through the fire /If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen /When You lead me through a world that's not my home /But You never said it would be easy /You only said I'll never go alone/ So when the whole world turns against me /And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help/ I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through /And I will go through the darkness/ If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout /Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down /So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you /And I will walk through the valley if you want me to /Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to



"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4 "These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

"Daaadddyyyy"

With PCOS some days are better than others. I would rather say "some days are better than others" than "some days are worse than others"...I dont know, to me-it just makes it seem less...less...hmm..well how can infertility seem less "bad" (is that even proper grammar?)

Because hormone levels do not fluctuate properly or at the right time or levels, some days I am just so uncontrollably sad I dont know what to do. Those days are very few, maybe once or twice a month..It comes out of nowhere. Like someone flipped a switch and BAM, this tidal wave of sadness completely immerses me and I can't for the life of me find my way to the surface for air. I am not as emotionally distraut as some would think a woman could be, dealing with infertility (for the most part lol). And I dont attribute it to being naive or anything like that...I know my faith has truly sustained me, even before my diagnosis.

But yesterday of day 2 of just being out of it emotionally, suddenly, ever so gently I was reminded to watch a video some one had posted on my facebook weeks ago.. As I scrolled through the weeks of posts I found it, watched it..and cried like a baby. This song was birthed from a place we with IF (infertility) are familiar with...and whether you are a woman/person of faith or not...its touching. It's encouraging...it's...amazing..Take a look and you will see what I mean. I was blessed by it to say the least...even after weeks of forgetting and me being late in watching it, God is always on time. I needed to see that video in that moment. Not 3 weeks ago, not 4 days later, not Sunday night...but that moment. I love how things work out..even the smallest blessings...can be the biggest.

Here is the link...please watch it, I know you will not regret it...love you all :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5yRjIaN2ts


-K

Here goes.......everything.

It's easy for me to write out what I feel...I have no problem expressing my emotion when I don't have to worry about being judged. Although, with a blog, I also know that the point is that people will read my writings..and thats okay. When faced with adversity or just annoyances, I have to let it out..and I am not the best at communcating the right way..but-I'm going to do what I know, and that is-be real.
In the wake of this diagnosis I have decided that I want to share what I know, so far..I have several PCOS, fertility and infertility books...and all contain a wonderful array of information. But being a believer, I would love to have one that deals with the "faith" side of things. One that tells the story of a woman who has her diagnosis and her faith in God.
Now, maybe I haven't searched through Amazon.com hard enough to find that read, but I thought, why not take a stab at it. So, soon I will also post old writings of how I felt when I found out, how I am dealing with it now and so on..these "old" writings are things I wrote to myself..or just..no one. I emailed them to myself at another "junk" email to just, have..sort of like writing in a journal. I will be raw, real..maybe share a little too much, maybe leave things to be as they are and not give more detail, maybe make no sense at all sometimes... But I will always be honest. I believe in the healing/comfort/laughter/relief of transparency so...here goes.......everything.